Learning to Receive: Why Accepting Love Can Feel Harder Than Giving It

What if one of the hardest parts of healing isn't setting boundaries…

What if it's allowing yourself to receive what those boundaries make room for?

In this episode of Shift Happens with Shay, we're exploring why receiving love, support, kindness, and care can feel surprisingly uncomfortable—especially for high-achieving women who have spent years being the strong one, the dependable one, or the one who never asks for help.

If giving has always felt safer than receiving, this conversation is for you.

Together, we'll explore:

✨ Why receiving can feel more vulnerable than giving
 ✨ How childhood and relational experiences shape our ability to accept care
 ✨ The connection between nervous system healing and learning to receive
 ✨ What healthy reciprocity looks like in relationships
 ✨ Gentle ways to practice receiving support without guilt or shame

Healing isn't just about what you're learning to let go of.

Sometimes healing is about what you're finally willing to let in.

🌿 Reflection Questions

• What is hardest for me to receive?
 • What story do I tell myself about accepting help?
 • What would change if I believed I didn't have to earn love or support?

✨ Affirmation

"I am worthy of receiving. I do not have to earn love. It is safe to be cared for."

💜 Continue the Journey

If this conversation resonated with you, I'd love to continue it beyond the podcast.

Join The Shift Within, my email community where I share journal prompts, reflections, exclusive resources, and updates on workshops designed to help you stop abandoning yourself and build secure, authentic relationships—with yourself and the people you love.

📩 Join here

If someone came to mind while listening, share this episode with them. Sometimes one conversation creates the shift someone has been waiting for.

If something in today's episode landed for you, if you recognized yourself in the patterns we talked about, I made something for you.

She Left Herself to Be Loved is a free guide I created for the high-achieving woman who has been running on survival mode and quietly knows it. Seven signs, nervous system cues, somatic reflections, and journal prompts to help you start seeing what's actually been happening underneath all the strength.

No email required for the episode. But if you're ready to go a little deeper, it's yours, completely free.

→ Download the free guide: She Left Herself to Be Loved

And if you're ready to take it further, Coming Back to Self-Discovery is the 28-page guided workbook that picks up right where the guide leaves off.

→ Get the workbook: Coming Back to Self-Discovery

Continue the conversation with Shay on her Instagram, Facebook page, Youtube, website, and linkedIn! You can also email Shay at shay@shif...

Transcript

0:21

Hello everyone, and welcome back to Shift Happens with Shay. Oh, today is such a good one. Learning to receive. Oh my goodness, how often do we, as high-achieving women, find it so hard to just receive compliments, receive, you know, validation, or even just to receive help? I know. Some of you probably just cringed. Like, asking for help? Absolutely, Shay. I'm not gonna do that. But come on, let's explore that because... Let's really, let's really get into there. And before I dive down, like I mentioned, welcome to Shift Happens with Shay. This is where we explore quiet shifts that help you come home to yourself. I'm your host, Shay, a licensed marriage and family therapist, and I am so ecstatic that you're here. That's for all my newcomers. And for my people, welcome back. I love you. I do. So my loves, we just have issues with receiving, because why does accepting love feel so hard than giving it? And I'm genuinely asking you that. Why is it that it feels that hard to you? For you, why does it feel that hard for you when someone genuinely is offering to help you? What's your first response? It's probably, "I got it. You don't have to. It's okay. No, it's fine." Mm. And, and don't worry, I'm not, this is not me throwing stones because I too have issues with receiving, but have been practicing. Yes, that sounds insane, right? Practicing receiving. But we have to when we're so used to being the strong one, so used to being in the room that we have to take care of everything so that when people start to ask us for help, it feels, it feels weird. It feels, it feels strange. I don't know about you guys, it feels strange for me. So yeah, it, it feels strange for me, honestly. So that's just, that's just how I feel. So I feel that you probably do too. So maybe you even say thank you. You know, when you are trying to receive help. Maybe you did say thank you, okay, but inside you're already trying to figure out how you'll repay them. Let that sit. You're finding out ways to repay other people- Maybe you start to feel guilty. Maybe you feel uncomfortable. Maybe receiving kindness feels surprisingly vulnerable. And if that resonates, I want you to know something. You're not being difficult, 'cause you're not a difficult person. You're not ungrateful, and you're certainly not alone in this. Like I've mentioned, I have done that, too. I have such a hard time receiving help and asking for my needs to be met, knowing that I- I'm also worthy of having needs met, and that's okay. 'Cause today we are talking about something I don't think we talk about often in the healing spaces. And I'm not talking about boundaries, because you guys have heard me talk about boundaries or boom diaries, however you wanna go about it. I have talked about those things countless times through your emerging phase, awakening phase, enlightening phase, embodiment phase. As I've taken you through this cocoon with me, when we started at our nourishing phase, when I'm getting you out here, you're starting to kind of see things. Your awakening phase, like we're emerging out, that's when you started noticing your patterns. And then we are here trying to get to our radiant embodiment. And We're done talking about boundaries. I lied. We're not done talking about boundaries. Boundaries will always be here, but it's more than boundaries, and it's more than just saying no, because I've taught you how to say no. But I wanna talk about what happens after you create those boundaries. Now what? Shay, I've told people no, and I've told them that this is my boundaries, like, this is the rule I'm stating and this is the consequence if, if that doesn't happen, like, this is my next step. It doesn't have to be theirs, but this is my next step. And you've been doing beautifully. And even if you haven't been perfect, the goal is not meant to be perfect. We're just trying to be consistent with ourselves because we are rebuilding self-trust. And every time we follow through for ourselves, we are telling ourselves we trust ourselves and that we are important. So what happens when life begins offering you the very thing you've been asking for and your nervous system doesn't quite know what to do with them? We're talking about that today. Let's learn to receive, babies. So I've mentioned before these patterns. One thing you've noticed, and shoot, things I've noticed professionally and personally, is that we as high-achieving women are incredible givers. And I'ma tell you why, because think about it. We remember birthdays. We anticipate people's needs, and I'm talking physical, emotional, mental. Like, we are on it. We're feeling it. We're anticipating it. We show up and show out. We're dependable. We are so thoughtful, so thoughtful of others. And we're often the one everyone else leans on. They're asking you the questions, "When was the last time you did that?" Or, "Do you remember what that place was called?" Or, "Oh my God, what was that amazing meal that we had? What was the place we went to?" And you're like, "It was this, it was that, it was that. Oh yeah, that was the summer of '99." Because giving becomes familiar for us. Giving is comfortable. Giving is predictable. It's safe, and when something's predictable, it's safe. And we are, and we've learned in previous episodes that when we're safe, we wanna stay there But receiving, when you receive a compliment, "You're so beautiful," or, "Oh my gosh, you are so amazing. What would, what could I do without you?" That, ooh. You feel that? For me, I know my nervous system, when I'm still uncomfortable receiving, my nervous system does a shudder. It's almost like a cringing feeling where I get, like, these mini shakes where it's just like a, ooh, a tightening really quickly. It goes, eh. I don't know what your nervous system does. Take some time and notice that. So when you're receiving compliments, when you're receiving help, "I can help you with that. Do you need anything?" When you're receiving care, "Let me take care of you. You're sick. Lay down." When you're receiving rest, "I'm so exhausted," just go to sleep. You deserve it. When you're receiving love- I love you no matter what. Through ups and down, I'm not going anywhere That's when things start to feel a little uncomfortable Remember previous episodes we've mentioned there's a difference between discomfort and danger. Now, hopefully to this point, you're understanding that we are feeling uncomfortable and this is not dangerous. This is how we keep our body from going into survival mode and how we're gonna dismantle the patterns that we have learned that has kept us performing. So we're feeling uncomfortable, and that's okay. And sometimes we immediately minimize it. "Oh, it wasn't a big deal. Anybody coulda did that." Hmm. Sometimes we reject receiving. "No, really, I'm okay. I got this." I know y'all are out here sitting here like, "Shay, yo, stop. You're calling me out." Girl, I'm calling myself out. I'm calling out probably a good amount of my friendship circles because we are high-achieving women who are always constantly reminding each other it's okay to receive from one another. It's insane, honestly. Don't worry, I'm calling myself out here, too, 'cause I have said that. "No, I'm okay. Don't worry about it," or, "It wasn't a big deal." No, it dang well was a big deal because I did go out of my way to do it. I, I did take time from myself from doing something I wanted to do to be there for you. It is a big deal. I'm not gonna brag about it, but I need to acknowledge that it, it is a big deal, and that's okay for me to acknowledge that. And it's okay to acknowledge that I'm not okay. "No, really, I actually would appreciate this help. I'm just having a hard time receiving." Because sometimes we immediately try to return favors because we don't wanna feel indebted, and that comes from a space and time or an experience where we were open to giving, we were open to receiving, and the one time that we did, it was hung over our heads. "Oh, so you don't wanna be there for me? But I did this for you. Do you remember that one time? But I did. But I was there. And what about when I..." Mm. We have people in our lives who have done that to us, and we don't like that feeling of being indebted because now it feels like receiving is bad. Some- like, you're gonna expect more from me. I don't want that. And we fall into this habit, and we don't even realize that we're doing it. Receiving feels so unfamiliar because somewhere along the way, giving became your identity as well. Ooh, Shay, stop. I know. Stick with me, my love. That's why you're here, right? You're here for your session, so sit down with me. This is session time. This is us getting a little dose of some truth and what else we can do to move forward. And we're gonna keep going deep because I don't think this identity of giving and this repulsion to receiving starts in adulthood. I never believe a lot of... I'm not gonna say never, but I don't believe a lot of our patterns just started in adulthood. I feel adulthood ends up reinforcing them. Adolescence and adulthood reinforces, and I feel we're learning some of these early teen, pre-teens, and maybe even sometime as young as childhood while you were in elementary. It starts earlier, and for some of us, love felt conditional. Praise came when you were, you know, achieving. And maybe attention came when you were being helpful. Maybe being easy kept the peace. And maybe asking for help was met with disappointment, criticism, or inconsistency. Remember when I said that? These experiences. We remember. Even our body remembers. And your nervous system, she is sophisticated. She is smart. Let me tell you, my love, she adapts beautifully Even to the point where you feel like, "I am suffocating." But your body's like, "I rather you suffocate in- instead of us feeling that again. I rather you feel stuck than we go through that pain." It learns that if I take care of everyone else, maybe I'll stay connected. If I don't need anything, I won't be a burden. If I can do it myself, I won't be let down Those adaptations were incredibly intelligent. Oh, she's beautiful. And for those of you who love the psycho terms, your adaptive information processing. Yes, your AIP. But I'm always gonna bring it down because we need to talk like we, you know. You talking to me like I'm your girlfriend that you having tea with, and we got together, and we're talking tea, and the tea is us. We are the tea. Jesus. So going back, yeah, she is incredibly intelligent. She helps you survive, but survival isn't the same as connection Say that again with me. Survival isn't the same as connection Because eventually the very thing that protected you is keeping intimacy at a distance Not because you don't want love, but because receiving requires vulnerability. And remember, as high-achieving women, vulnerability at first felt dangerous. Now we're realizing vulnerability is just uncomfortable because it reminds of, reminds us of unpleasant feelings and unpleasant experiences that we may have gone through. And vulnerability also asks your nervous system a very important question: Is it safe to let someone care for me? Oof. That is a difficult question to answer So what does healing look like from here then, Shay? Like, if I gotta question everything that's safe, I'm even questioning receiving. What, what is this? What is the way forward? Slow down, my love. Slow down. Everything we do here is at your own pace. It does not begin with receiving everything overnight. That'd be overwhelming to your nervous system. Your nervous system isn't ready. Your body, she is not ready to receive s- overwhelmingly just yet. It begins with noticing your reflex. Remember when I said that when I get compliments or praises or, "Oh my God, you're just so amazing." Like, yeah, low-key, like it sounds good, and then my body goes, "Ooh, mm, do you need help? I can be there." "Oh, don't worry about it. I got it." Notice your reflex. Like I said, mine is a cringe. It is a tight tension that goes, uh, in my whole body and you'll notice it when someone offers help. You'll notice it when you're receiving a compliment. You'll notice when someone wants to support you. Before you automatically say no, I want you to challenge yourself and just pause. Pause before the immediate no. Just pause here and ask yourself, "Is it unsafe or is this simply unfamiliar?" If it's unfamiliar, let's challenge ourselves and just receive. If it's genuinely unsafe, then yeah. But really ask yourself, because nine times out of 10, I'm sure it's just simply unfamiliar And unfamiliar is discomfort, not danger Those are two very different things. And sometimes what feels uncomfortable is actually healthy. Healing invites us to become curious instead of reactive. So be curious about the help you're receiving. Be curious about the compliment you're receiving. Be curious what it would be like to be able to take a compliment and not automatically downplay it To receive that you are a pretty amazing, uh, person and not dismiss it Let's invite curiosity for ourselves. Just as curious as we are about everybody else's moods and shifts that they're doing, let's be curious about our own shifts because that is healing. Take your time and get to know you. Take your time and receive the praises. Take your time and receive the compliment. Take the time and receive the rest and the help because you too deserve to be helped and you too deserve to be supported So let's practice it. Let's make it practical. Let's do it. So those of you who are in relationships, let's imagine your partner offers to cook dinner. Instead of saying, "No, I'll do it," you simply say, "Thank you." Now practice with, practice that with me. I'm your partner. "Hey, hope you had a wonderful day. I was thinking, you know what? I'm gonna go ahead and get dinner started, okay? I'm gonna do it." Now you practice. What do you say to that? Thank you. Thank you. That's what you'll say. Thank you, girl. Thank you, my love. Thank you, my dear. Thank you, Boo. Thank you, I appreciate you. Thank you. Just thank you. 'Cause I know you will know I got it, and if you say, "No, I got it," or, "No, I'll do it," or, "No, don't worry about it," you didn't fail. Remember, we are dismantling patterns that we have been, patterns that have been ingrained in us for a long time. It will take practice, but I want you to practice that. This is a practical thing, and it doesn't... I'm not gonna say it doesn't require much from you, but as qu- as quick as it would say, "No, I'll do it," thank you's faster. No, I'll do it. Thank you. So let's think about it at work. A coworker offers to help with a project. Instead of insisting you got everything under control, which I'm sure you do, you're, we're- you're good at that. Girl, it's your superpower. But how about you accept the help, and don't go into nuances of shame? What if I don't like this coworker? What if this coworker's trying to steal my project? What if they let me down, they don't get anything done? Da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da. First off, if this is a coworker you have seen do wonderful work with their own projects, have come through as on time, you have talked to them, whatever it may be, you guys have similar interests when it comes to the workplace, I think you can trust and accept help. You're not giving the whole project to them, just a bit. So practice that. If someone offers to help with a project, "Thanks. I'd appreciate that. I actually need help on this side." Practice that. How about this? A friend checks in on you and asks, "How are you really doing?" And instead of automatically saying, "I'm good," because you're not, you answer honestly. How about you put some trust and some faith into that relationship you've built with this friend, and you be honest? Even if you're not ready to dig all the way deep, it's okay to be like, "You know, I've had better days and I'm doing my best to get through." Thank you for checking in on me. I appreciate that. And if you are truly good, you know, I've actually been doing really good. I've been busy, but I've been good. Thank you for checking in on me. I needed that That was hard. You probably cringed a lot during our role play, and that's okay. But think about it. Same thing, those things apply if somebody compliments you, which I'm always giving you guys affirmations here, and I know sometimes that could maybe be cringe, but you're gonna take it. Why? Because your nervous system needs to know it's okay to receive. I'm sorry if that sounded like coercion. I, I do sometimes sound forceful when it comes to, like, giving you something. Of course, I want you to feel worthy of receiving because you are so worthy. You are beautiful. You are intelligent. You are astounding. You're wonderful. Come on. Instead of deflecting compliments, you smile and simply say, "Thank you." Just thank you. Those moments might seem small, but they're not That is how your nervous system is gonna learn that support doesn't always come with strings attached. That's how you'll know We've been taught that strength means independence. But maybe strength also looks like allowing yourself to be loved, allowing yourself to rest, allowing someone else to carry something for a while. Receiving doesn't make you needy. It doesn't make you a burden. It makes you human. Healthy relationships aren't built by one person giving all the time. They're built through Reciprocal giving. Reciprocity. You have to give and receive It's through mutual care. It's through allowing yourself to be known, to be seen, to be held, to be loved, to be heard, to be. You have to be seen in order to be received. You have to allow yourself to be known So before our next episode, I'm gonna invite you to practice one small thing. The next time someone offers you genuine kindness, pause before you decline. If it feels safe, practice receiving it without apologizing, without explaining, and without immediately trying to repay it Just notice what comes up for you. That's the practice. Not perfection, awareness. Awareness. Try it out. And I'd love to hear about it. So please email me, comment. I wanna hear it. I wanna see how you do. I'll check on you in our next session too about it. So let's come back to ourselves, okay? After, that's the shift, that's your homework I guess for the next two weeks, but let's come back to ourselves right now, and I want you to take a slow breath And take out your journals. I know y'all love my prompts. Take out your journals. And of course, if you're driving or somewhere where you can't journal, if you're able to speak out loud, speak out loud. That's just as powerful as writing. And if not, you know you can always replay this when you're home and look at the questions. They'll also be in the show notes and in the description if you're watching this on YouTube. So let's go in, and I want you to ask yourself these four questions. And let them just stay with you. You don't need to immediately answer. Just be curious. Ask yourself, what is hardest for me to receive? What story do I tell myself about accepting help When did I learn that needing others wasn't safe? And what would change if I believed I was worthy of receiving love without earning it? You don't have to answer yourself right now, though if you're talking out loud, go for it Be curious. Don't judge yourself. This is you being vulnerable with yourself. This is you teaching you that it's safe to access these parts of you. Just be curious. Knowledge is power, 'cause when we know the pattern, we can dismantle it. Name it to tame it. Okay? So let's get together and this little beautiful affirmation for your session today. Repeat after me. I am worthy of receiving. I do not have to earn love. I can accept support without guilt. It is safe to be cared for. I do not have to carry everything alone Take another deep breath Let those words settle Maybe healing isn't only about what you're learning to let go of. Maybe it's also about what you're finally willing to let in. Love, support, joy, rest, connection. And maybe that's what coming home to yourself has been preparing for you all along If today's conversation resonated with you, I'd love to continue it beyond the podcast. Of course, if you're here, like, comment, and subscribe. I'm receiving, so I know you are here and you got the message. But beyond the podcast, I definitely would love to connect with you. And you can do that by joining The Shift Within, my email community where I share reflections, journal prompts, and updates on upcoming workshops designed to help you deepen this work at your own pace. And soon, those workshops will actually be in person. I'm really excited for the one I got cooking up for you guys. So if you are in the Central Florida area, I'd love to see you and meet you. You'll find the link in the show notes. But until next time, be gentle with yourself, boo. Stay curious, and remember, sometimes the bravest things you can do is let yourself be loved Bye. Mwah